The Not-So-Shocking Truth

A few years ago, when I used to spend much of my time Googling the topic of step parenting, I found an article on stepmomsos.com titled The Shocking Truth About How to Change Others (unfortunately, the web site and article are no longer on the web).  

It was a sentiment I often carried with me. If I could just get this person to see my side of the story... so, with bated breath I clicked. But of course, the article simply reaffirmed something I already knew, a principle rooted deep in my metaphysical beliefs -- in order to change someone else, the only fundamental change you can make is within yourself. The article itself told of a doctor who sent love to patients in a psychiatric ward and who saw a vast improvement in the morale of the staff and patients. 

The overall message is simple: We are all participants in the world's stage -- we all belong to the universe.  So, to create healing in the universe, we must first create it in ourselves. 

Seems so simple right? Do unto others? But, it's not quite that simple. Unfortunately, a lot of other people live their lives rooted in fear, anger, and sadness. 

After all, can you really erase someone else's hatred? Of course not, because that person chooses to hate, to fear, or to love. You cannot make those choices for him or her.

I knew that you could not change another person, yet I also thought that positive would beget positive, and that's where my logic was flawed. No matter how much positivity I projected towards another person, it would still not change that person because I have no control over that. I just have to love myself and heal that space within me that has felt bruised or broken. 

In The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz puts it simply.

"To master a relationship is all about you. The first step is to become aware, to know that everyone dreams his own dream. Once you know this, you can be responsible for your half of the relationship, which is you."

It's true. In times of conflict I act as the rescuer, the fixer, the resolver. The logical person in me says I can fix the situation. 

The not-so-shocking truth is, I can't.

I can only be aware that no one else can make me happy, and my happiness is not dependent upon someone else. It's not about what they do or don't do. I have no control over that. As Ruiz states, 

"If we respect the other half, there is always going to be peace in that relationship. There is no war."

This is a constant challenge, isn't it? To respect the other halves of our lives, to accept not judge, to love not fear, to be happy and not full of hate or mistrust. It's a learning process, but it's one based on logic, so that makes it much easier to wrap my head around. To get love, we must give love.

Period.

The Clean Routine

As someone who prefers order over chaos, I've found it to be so helpful to have a routine and schedule not only for my children, but also for myself.

This is something I put into practice long before I became a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. I found that if I tackled household chores in sections, I didn't despise having to clean as much, and I had more time for fun on the weekends. Besides, the weekends for me always seem to have more traffic in and out of the house, creating more messes, so cleaning on the weekends just feels counterproductive. At least that's what I tell myself.

Here's how I break up the household chores, and again, this doesn't differ too much from when I worked outside of the home:

Mondays - Ah. Mondays. We all love them, right? Just like the 100 or so emails that await you at work, Mondays seem ripe for chores. At work, I would usually try to clear out the worst of what faced me on Mondays so the rest of the week wasn't so scary.  At home, I do the same.

• Scrub the kitchen - It's gross from all of the extra cooking I did over the weekend, so this is a must. I scour the stove top, de-crumb the toaster oven, and clean the stainless steel sinks with a combination of Kosher salt, baking soda and lemon juice. It's a chemical-free way to make them clean and shiny, and my kids get a kick out of the fizzy action these three ingredients make together as a cleaning agent.
• Clothes laundry - I have separate hampers for towels and clothes, so Monday is just for clothes laundry. With the extra clothes from the weekend (my husband likes to don multiple outfits throughout the course of each day) and my toddlers, the mountain of clothes laundry is like Kilimanjaro. Best to get this out of the way early on.
  
  
  
  
• Dust - I hate dusting. Seriously. It's just... it never... ugh! It just never stays un-dusty long enough! But I do either Swiffer dust or use a Pledge-type cleaner, and try to remember to do this before I do the floors. Sometimes? I forget to dust. Whoops!

“...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...” ― Carla Foft, Addressing Spirits

• Clean the floors - This is a task I used to do on Wednesdays, but inevitably, my children will spill something and I figure, what the heck? And, again, all the extra traffic from the weekend makes sweeping, vacuuming, Swiffering and steam mopping a high priority. (Yes, I do all four, and no, I have not sought help for my cleaning addiction.) I usually leave out the bathroom floors, because they have their own special day.

Tuesdays

• Garbage Day! Oh what fun - sometimes I put it out the night before, but we live on top of a hill so most days I wait until morning. Then it's a game of, when will the garbage people actually come? Oh, sometimes it's 9 a.m. on the dot, but most days it's late afternoon. One day, it was 9 p.m. Such fun, this game we play.
• Laundry: Towels, Bath Rugs & Sheets - I keep a hamper in our bathroom, which makes it super easy to do a load of towels only. I also, about every other week or so, do the bedsheets as well. 
• Bathrooms - Since the towels and bath rugs are out of the way, I give the bathroom a once over and clean the floors. Easy peasy. 

Wednesdays - Nada. Just the usual straightening and tidying up.

Thursdays - I usually have enough of the boys clothes laundry to justify doing a load, so I play that by ear. I also may whip out the vacuum cleaner and give the area rug a quick sweep.

Fridays/Saturdays/Sundays - Again, just the normal everyday straightening and tidying up. 

So what is the everyday stuff? Well, I usually sweep underneath and around the dining room table daily since my children seem to think that getting their food to reach their mouths is not the highest priority when it comes to eating. I also take the time to reset the house nightly - in other words, all the toys they dragged out during the day? They get put away. Every. Day. I feel this is important and it was something that kept me sane when I worked outside the home, so I didn't feel so overwhelmed in the morning when I left, like the house was getting swallowed up by toys or something.

Having this cleaning routine and schedule makes my life so much easier. Obviously, when I worked outside the home I didn't tackle so many chores on Monday, but I did take these tasks and divide them up Monday through Thursday, again leaving the weekends for other activities. 

Next time I'll talk about the daily routine I have for myself, and my boys. 

Family Role Playing

When I was young and single, I didn't always have a romantic vision of my future in mind. What I didn't plan on was falling in love with a man who had been married and had a child.  Being a parental figure, and later an official stepparent, to someone else's child has been a very rocky, windy road.

Lately, I've sought help to deal with my feelings, my resentment, my hurt, my intentions and my wishes. During a recent life coaching session, as I went over some of the dynamics, my coach asked how my stepson was with his mom, and how he was with us. I explained the dual personalities that have existed from the very beginning. For instance, in the early years I remember his mother dealing with temper tantrums of gigantic proportions, while we rarely had any discipline issues. It was a juxtaposition I was so used to, it took someone who was a stranger to my situation to make me realize something else entirely when she said, "How very difficult and tiring that must be for him."

I remember conforming, at times, to peer pressure in school. Doing so would make me act differently, or ditch my friends for another set. I did this in sixth grade, when I, for a fleeting moment, thought if I changed myself to act like the popular girls, then maybe they would accept me. I even might have (gasp!) tight-rolled my jeans in order to look the part. This phase was short-lived, a total failure, and after acting like a brat and a gossip and alienating all of my true friends, I felt pretty crappy. It took a while for my friends to accept me back in to the fold, and I didn't blame them one bit. I'd been pretty horrible.

But that was school - peer pressure.  An under-confident, awkward, flailing eleven-year-old trying to find a place where none seemed to exist in that arena. At home, I was always, well, me. How terrible it must be for someone to have to have two different personas, one for each home.

So that begs the question: How can I help my stepson just be himself?

My life coach and I talk about roles in the family. Perhaps he has a different job description or role in his mother's home than he has with us. I'm not here (anymore) to judge those differences, but rather, want to understand this better so that he doesn't feel like he has to turn himself into another person, another version of himself, simply because he enters a different household.

I used to think that my husband and I were fine on our own, creating our own dynamic, because it was our household. The logical me felt that as long as our home was a safe and healthy environment, and it was, we didn't need anyone else interfering or offering opinions. Now, and especially at times when there is discord, I realize how important it is to have an open and honest dialogue. Especially now that I fear my stepson is feeling torn between his houses.

Unfortunately, we cannot control the situation we are dealt. It's taken me a few wrong turns to figure out that I must not only let go, but also accept, what I can't control and move on to work on the things I can control.

I can control my environment.

I can set boundaries.

I can create a space where my stepson will feel love.

I can encourage my stepson to be open, honest and be his own best person.

I can be support for my husband, in whatever form he needs, not whatever form I think he should have.

It's no secret that blended families are complex. This is by far the biggest challenge I have ever faced and continue to face. My goal, my vow, is to keep creating a safe space for everyone involved, no matter what is thrown at me.

The Secret of My Vodka Sauce

Finding a meal that my husband and I like and our toddlers will eat that doesn't consist of a chicken nugget or peanut butter and jelly is like finding water in the dessert.

Vodka sauce, or Vodka Riggies, is sometimes compared to Chicken Riggies, a dish unique to Utica, NY, my home city. My oldest son has always loved the Vodka Riggies from Charlies, so of course I have been attempting over the years to recreate it. (For those who are unfamiliar, this sauce can be paired with Rigatoni, Tortellini, or really any pasta you prefer.)

My Vodka Sauce has two secret ingredients, and (spoiler alert!) neither ingredient is Vodka. Secret number one is that I actually use a sweet white wine (Riesling) instead of Vodka. Shocking, I know. The reason? It makes a sweeter sauce and has more flavor. Secret two: I crisp up bacon in the oven (instead of using prosciutto) and I add the bacon grease to the sauce. It's just so heavenly, there are no words.

Here's the recipe that has my family mopping up all the extra sauce with a yummy chunk of Italian Bread.

Vodka Sauce (a la Julie)

Ingredients
3-4 Tbsp butter
6-8 cloves garlic
2-3 small shallots
1/2 cup of white wine (I use a sweet wine, like Riesling)
3-4 strips of bacon (reserve drippings)
1 large jar of your favorite marinara sauce or homemade marinara sauce (tip: try not to use crushed tomatoes, the marinara sauce keeps the sauce thicker)
1/2 pint heavy cream
1/2 to 1 cup grated parmesan (get a really good grated parm, like they sell at the deli counters)
Kosher salt (to taste)

Heat oven to 400° and place the strips of bacon on a lined baking sheet. Cook the bacon for about 15 minutes, or until crispy.

In a large sauce pot or dutch oven, heat butter,on medium-low heat. Process the garlic cloves and a pinch of Kosher salt in a food processor and add to butter. Next, chop shallots in a food processor and add to butter and garlic, sauteing on med-low heat until translucent. Turn heat to high and add the white wine. While the white wine is reducing, chop the bacon into small pieces and add to the pot. Add the bacon grease, marinara sauce, half cup of parmesan and heat to boiling. Reduce heat to low and slowly add in the heavy cream. Stir, and heat sauce on low for at least 30 minutes.

Serve with Rigatoni, Penne, Tortellini or any other favorite pasta. Sprinkle extra parmesan on top. (Freeze any leftover sauce.)

Served here with Cavatappi

Enjoy!

The Logical Mama

Now, I want to make it clear that by nicknaming myself the Logical Mama, I in no way mean to imply I'm a perfect parent and therefore the most logical choice for being a mother. In fact, my long-term friends might tell you quite the opposite, as one still tells me from time to time, "I can't believe you're a mom!" 

I'm not at all insulted by that statement. I know what she means. I was Miss Independent, Miss I'm-Not-Dating-in-College-Lest-I-Be-Distracted-From-My-Career-Path.  I regarded most children as standoffish, sticky, drooling short stacks and feared any interaction with them. I was the youngest child growing up and had no experience with child rearing. And since I was always ten going on forty, sixteen going on forty, twenty going on eighty... Well, you get the picture. I was child-dense.

Lacking a skill has never stopped me from attempting something new, and parenting was no different. I basically approach this parenting thing the way I would approach a project given to me by a supervisor in my career. In fact, I pretty much treat it like a Marketing Plan. 

Goals
Every marketing plan must begin with clearly defined goals. What do I want for my children? What don't I want for them? Do I want to spoil them? Or should they learn to earn what they have instead? You can't define your parenting style until you figure out what it is you want your children to have, to experience and to avoid. 

I found that when I was working a job I hated, Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. with one late night (7 p.m.) thrown in for good measure, I was not the parent I wanted to be. I yelled. A lot. And I hated myself for it. After I left, I immediately adopted some peaceful parenting philosophies and saw a noticeable, positive change in my children. So make sure you understand what kind of parent you want to be, and do some research if you also have some gaps to fill.

Target Audience
I've got my target audience figured out. Toddlers. Boys. Most companies can identify the same - but many fail to dig deeper, and in today's marketing environment, that's a huge mistake. You have to know what your audience wants, what makes them tick, what they want to learn about, laugh about, and how. Ask, what does my target audience value? What story do they have to tell? 

I find it's helpful to consider their likes/dislikes, the age appropriateness of an activity and whether or not the experience will make them excited, happy, engaged.  Sure, I might think a nature walk at the Root Glen would make for a nice outing, but take two boys under the age of five, add in two walking sticks and a bunch of perky spring flowers, and after a few minutes you will be standing in the middle of what looks like a crime scene. I'm talking walking sticks versus flowers, and (spoiler alert!) the flowers don't make it. Instead, I consider their fascination with wild animals and suggest a trip to the zoo.  

Competitive Analysis
Don't. Just don't. Don't compare yourself to other parents or compare your children to other children. It can be disastrous for you and upsetting to your children as well. Do, however, look into new ideas, projects, activities, etc.  And be kind, not judgmental, to other parents.

Someone didn't want to leave the beach.

When I was single, an angry, upset, temper-tantrum throwing child was scoffed at. Now, having been at the receiving end of some of those out-of-absolutely-nowhere-tantrums, I sympathize. I told a mother the other day whose child was melting down that we've all been there and she was doing a great job. We don't expect ourselves to be perfect - why do we expect our children to be?

Sales and Marketing Strategy
Undermine importance of ridiculously expensive toys (Pffft! A robot dinosaur that has wheels for feet? Like THAT would ever happen in Jurassic Park.) and sell them on playing with what they already have.  

My husband and I both will get out some of the discarded, forgotten toys when our children are fighting over an item and start playing. Voila! All of a sudden that toy is super cool again and they already forgot what they are fighting about. 

Subterfuge. I'm all about it.

I'm also all about research, and always have been, no matter what point in my life. I loved research-rich classes in college, enjoyed tackling new territory at any job, and I have an equal fervor for learning all I can about this challenge we call parenting.  

Almost every day, I'm exploring new, fun, educational activities that will entertain and engage my children in learning.  When I wanted to change how I interacted with my children, I did some Googling and came across articles on peaceful parenting. Some things we have an instinct for, some parenting tactics are innate, and others we can seek out, search for, try, fail at and then try again. 

As long as it comes from a place of love.

New Year's Revolutions

The end of the year signals a time to reflect. Often, those reflections result in some hasty resolutions that are devoid of meaning and go unkept.

The past two years have been disruptive to our usual quiet. But the bumps, collisions and explosions we've faced, together, have made us stronger, smarter, and more aware of what we want. And what we don't.

It's caused a revolution.

This revolution, this sudden change, brought us down some unfamiliar paths. So, instead of vowing to do something I probably won't, I'm going to reflect on what has happened, and what it's made me realize.

Home
I'm home, and home is where I want to be. Our move to a home up the street from where I grew up was a huge change, and one I never thought I'd make. We'd make. We love this house, its location and everything it has to offer, including a short walk to drop in on my parents. Our time away in Florida taught us a lot, the move back taught us even more, and now all of that is finally behind us, we have a warm, loving space to call home, and it's never felt better.

Self
I can't really say I've realized some things about myself if they were always there, now can I? But I can say I've embraced what I used to shun, have a deeper understanding, and an awareness that used to escape me. I'm in a really good place, I'm not perfect, but I know what I need to work on, and I will get it done.

Family
I feel closer to my family - and my husband's family - than I ever have and I hope those bonds grow deeper. I thoroughly treasure my relationship with my brother and am blessed to have my parents so close. I am constantly trying to parent peacefully, make sure our children learn every day, and am so proud of my children and what they accomplish each and every day.

Work
I know what I want, and what I don't want. I don't want the corporate grind, I want to work from home, for someone I admire and respect. With a husband that works out of town a lot and two small boys, I want to be here for them and I want them to grow up in this wonderful home, and not in someone else's.

Overall, our lives have changed incredibly in the last year, some good, and some not so good. I wish I could take away the pain my husband feels when it comes to the distance, proverbial and literal, that exists with his oldest child. If there is one aspect of our Florida move that I would take back, in an instant, it would be that change. But I also admire my husband for his resolve that everything will be okay and to take the constant changes in stride.

As for me, I will keep searching, learning, growing, reading, writing, being. I love listening to the giggles of my children, love watching them learn and grow at home, and am excited about what the future will bring, even if that future does seem to be approaching far too rapidly.

Falling Through the Reemployment Cracks

I had a valid reason for leaving my job and filing an unemployment claim when the credit union I worked for changed my hours repeatedly over a two week period, and expected me to be able to adapt to that change despite having two young children in full-time daycare. (Background: Hubby works out of town Monday through Friday; kids are not school aged.) I found a short-term solution when I was told the change was "immediate/temporary" but was unable to find a solution when told the second change was also immediate, but this time permanent.

Newsflash: Most Parents Do Not Have 24-Hour Day Care Options
The new hours I was being mandated to work fell outside the hours of operation for my children's daycare. Instead of receiving understanding or compassion, I was questioned. "Can't your mother-in-law or someone watch your kids?" said one dumbfounded looking supervisor.

That was the thing. She already did. I couldn't afford to place my children in a regular daycare program that would cost between $300 and $400 per week. Cripes, at that rate, I would have had no paycheck to bring home at all and would have constantly been in the hole. What my supervisors didn't understand, and didn't care to understand, was that the family members who were free during the day to watch my sons had jobs outside the home too and were only available until 6 p.m. The other catch twenty-two was that the majority of professional daycares in Central New York are not open past 5:30 p.m., let alone 6 p.m.  And, obviously, even if I could find one, it wouldn't matter due to the affordability issue.

Parents Should Be Comfortable with Their Daycare Options
This expectation from employers that we should just drop our kids off with whomever, whenever, so we can trudge in to work whenever they deem necessary is completely ridiculous. I learned that lesson the hard way in Florida, figuring all day cares are alike, until my sons started screaming as soon as the daycare came into sight. They had never done that in New York. The only thing worse than the screaming at drop off, was the crying at pick up. My oldest son, who was two going on three, said "Mama," in a trembling voice when I picked him up, and would unsuccessfully fight back tears. I hated dropping them off, I cried all the way to work, and I couldn't stop asking what the hell was happening to them that they were so unhappy there? I vowed then and there to never pick a random daycare ever again.

Yo-Yo Schedules
Employers need to understand that when they hire a person, whether they have children or not, there should be limits to the schedule changes. Being asked to completely change that schedule around, up and down, on a daily basis, constantly having it altered when you have other people's schedules to consider too, is just so unrealistic and uncaring that I refuse to work for someone who has that attitude. It was unfair to me, it was unfair to my children, and I just couldn't do that to them anymore.

The Other Unemployment Gap(s)
I find the lack of compassion from the reemployment counselor I'm forced to see every few weeks frustrating, tiring and unnerving. I tried explaining that starting my own business and working from home is ideal due to the situation I just detailed above. He had me apply for a program (SEAP) that helps unemployed folk like myself start a business. Guess what? I didn't score high enough to qualify for the program. Guess what else? I never filled out any paperwork for the SEAP program or took any sort of test, so how is my score being determined?

All right. So, let's talk about me going back to school then. If I went for an undergraduate degree, I might get some help with the 599 program, although currently there's a waiting list for funds, so can't count on that. How about grad school? That would make the most sense, since for my specific field (PR/Marketing/Communications) I am over qualified for entry-level positions and am being deemed under qualified for director positions. The 599 program mandates you take twelve credit hours each semester, only lasts 26 weeks, and grad school advisors recommend you only take two classes each semester, which would obviously fall short of the twelve-credit requirement and would run way past 26 weeks of school.

So what options, dare I ask, do professionals like me have in this reemployment setting? No one wants to help me start a business or work from home, no one wants to help me better myself by going back to school for my master's degree, and because I took a job outside of my field by working at the credit union, I'm expected to take ANY job, no matter what industry, AND take a pay cut on top of the pay cut I already took with the credit union just so unemployment and reemployment can get me off their books.

I even asked if I could teach a few seminars at the local reemployment office on how to use social media (and how not to) when job hunting, but was told there was no need at this time. Gee, thanks. Because the workshop I was forced to attend was so helpful? Some pompous guy in a bad shirt and jeans who offered nothing except personal anecdotes and kept saying he was from California? Whatever formula the labor department and these employment agencies have concocted in order to get people back to work do not make sense for every single person that comes through the doors.  Is no one considering that there's a market of people out there (like moi) that they are completely failing to help? The formula is flawed. There is quite obviously a time requirement to the appointments, since my counselor always stretches a five-minute conversation into at least 30 minutes.  Does he ask me any questions, other than Are you back to work? No. My reemployment counselor searches for jobs that A.) I've already applied to, B.) I'm not at all qualified for, or, C.) That I can't take due to all the reasons I've been ranting about.  Also? He fills out paperwork that could be filled out well in advance of our meeting. Making me sit, silently, while you fill out your required paperwork does absolutely nothing for my mid-life career crisis.

I know I'm lucky that I was able to leave a very negative and derogatory job behind. There are people out there who don't have that choice. I also know that there are many people who benefit from the services offered by local reemployment agencies. I realize this is a valuable service for many, however, my argument is that for a specific portion of the workforce, the services offered are too cookie-cutter, one shoe fits all, and I am neither a cookie, nor a foot.

All through grammar school, I was bored. The teachers didn't know what to do with me except allow me to read a book when I'd finished my work miles ahead of everyone else. I feel the same way now, that I am once again not fitting the norm, falling outside of some predetermined box, and waiting for this poor guy (who is probably very overworked and underpaid) to finally throw his hands up in resignation.

Next time, I'll just bring a book.