I just saw a social media post asking if it was too early for the “It’s fall, y’all!” hashtags and Insta captions.
Yes. It is too early. It’s still August and it’s 87 degrees
in upstate New York. Where is your sense of common decency?
But aside from going the way of retail stores and pushing each holiday on us sooner and sooner, there is another issue with the fall season. Something dark. Something shady. Something no one wants to speak about. There are larger issues at play here. Let’s dig in.
The polarization of America. Dems versus the GOP. Critical
Race Theory ($5 goes to anyone who can actually explain this to me). Let’s not
even talk about the fact that there is still a mask debate going on. But one
important issue has been overlooked for years. And it’s time we spoke up.
Two words people: Pumpkin. Spice.
When did Pumpkin Spice become the poster child for the fall
season? It’s happening – pumpkin spice lattes are out there. Did I mention it’s
87 degrees today? Feels like a hundred?
But the bigger, more important question is this: What, dare I ask, ever happened to the apple? Remember the apple before it was a tech company? Roughly the size of a baseball, red, shiny, little stem on top. Made Snow White take one heck of a power nap.
It’s time to bring back the apple.
Pumpkins have one, ok, two, good uses. Jack-o-lanterns and
pumpkin pie. They already have two holidays, they can’t take over an entire
SEASON. That’s just cray, as the kids would say. And disparate. Yes, it’s
disparate treatment. I think this is part of critical race theory. Yep, right there on page 92 of the CRT doctrine. Trust me, you don't have to go reading it yourself. It's there.
Let’s take a look back at the history of the pumpkin, and
some not so credible facts:
Pumpkins are racist. Oh yes, they may start off as green (I don’t actually know this to be true, but who fact checks anymore?) so they have a delicate truce with the Granny Smith, but red apples are being oppressed at an alarming rate. Orange pumpkins may not be the largest population of, um, vegetable? Or are we talking fruit here? Who cares - point is, the red apple sells for far less per pound than the pumpkin, it's not as prevalent in fall ad campaigns, and let's not even talk about the lack of funding for the red apple soccer team while the pumpkin team has turf instead of shitty grass that never gets cut. The two have been battling for years, represented below in this random clip art of a Dairy Queen flavor war. Clearly the the pumpkins' smear campaign and "alleged" social media propaganda (put in motion by a certain country that I'm too scared to name, yeah, you know the one) affected the outcome:
Why have the pumpkins oppressed the apples all these years, you ask? It's not all their fault, I mean pumpkins were BORN racist. But what has continued to happen over the years is unacceptable. They have oppressed the apple. They
have slandered it. I mean, Snow White could have choked on a pumpkin spice
latte right? Or, why don’t we stick a pumpkin in a pig’s mouth when we’re about
to roast it? And there's that little hole in the wall in Shrek 2, where we find Cinderella's ugly sister bartending at the Poison Apple. Shameful. Are all of these coincidences? I think not.
So, people of the fall. I implore you. Next time you are at
the drive thru window, instead of ordering a pumpkin spice latte (with oat milk for
us lactose intolerant), speak out and ask, where is the caramel apple
latte? Also with oat milk?
We must unite! Bring back the apples! Represent fall the way
it should be represented!! Fight the pumpkin dynasty and BRING BACK THE APPLE!
Again, the fruit, not the tech company. Although, while we are on the subject,
$500 for a watch? Are you effing kidding me?
P.S. I hope my dad, AKA the Pun Master, appreciates the title.
