The Letter Heard Round the World

So a mother wrote an open letter to her daughter's stepmom, and it went viral. Of course it intrigued me and I read it, hoping to find a glimpse of something in there that would give me an "aha" moment.

Before my Counting Years blog, I sat down almost weekly and wrote for my Stepmother Stories blog, an outlet for me over the course of two and a half years during a period of mass chaos for our households.  Through the course of our entire relationship, of course, there have been ups and downs, highs and lows, but for the two plus years I wrote Stepmother Stories, there were only lows.

I was encouraged when we were all in agreement to end the court appearances and talking through lawyers and work this out ourselves, and for, most importantly, the child involved. Actually, all of the children involved, as we realized we did not want the chaos and misguided hate affecting their lives as well.

Slowly, I thought a friendship was building, and, it probably was. But life events turned everything upside down, and now, peace seems fragile, and my relationship with my stepson's mother is virtually non-existent.

For many years I wished it would be that way, but now, honestly, it saddens me. I don't know what tipped the cup, but now I am completely on the outside, and it's a strange place to be.

There have been a lot of wrongs committed. A lot has been done to me; a lot has been done to her. I'm sure if she was speaking, she could recite a long list of what I've done that she didn't like and vice versa. I'm not concerned with that.

What concerns me is that I've been so reticent over the years to admit to some hard truths, like the fact that her freezing me out over the years, and now, hurts my feelings. It was damn near impossible for me to tell her she was right. Ever. I've been very headstrong in doing things my way without consulting her. I see now that was wrong. But it's hard for me to apologize, it's hard to say now I understand what you were saying, it's hard for me to bridge the gaps that still exist, because when it comes right down to it, I can't do it alone.

So here's my open letter to my stepson's mother, even though I'm still not sure, as I write this, what it is I want to say.

To My Stepson's Mom
I was never the kind of little girl to put a pillowcase on her head, grab some flowers and walk down the hallway, pretending I was playing wedding day. I was outside in the mud.  

So no, I didn't ever dream of my wedding day. I did, however, have some passing thoughts.

When I briefly thought of marriage, or children, I certainly didn't think I would marry someone who already had been. And I definitely thought when I held my baby for the very first time, it would be his first time too. 

It was not.

These facts were hard for me to deal with, hard for me to process, and I dealt with it the best I could, which is to say, probably not very well. At all.

I know now that I should have consulted you more, that I should have encouraged my then boyfriend/now husband to coparent, as you desired. But it felt better to do it our way, because for me it was gaining back that piece of control I had lost by not being the first.

I did not expect the first child I would raise would not be my own, and I did the best I could. I tried to make him feel he was with a motherly figure when he wasn't with his mother, but I knew the truth, every minute of every day, and that truth was that I was not his mother, and that he wanted to be with you. The only part of that scenario that bothered me, just a little bit, was that I didn't get the unconditional love that comes with being a biological parent. Now that I'm a mother I see the undeniable bond I have with my children that cannot be duplicated. And it's not that I wanted to replace you. Ever. There was just something to be said about doing everything that a parent does, but not being one. There was always something that felt...absent.

It doesn't help that we are such opposite personalities. I hope one day we can learn to gain strength from those differences. It took me a long time to learn that the way I prefer to do things is not the right way, it's just my way. I do allow for differences, but I can still be harsh. Judgmental. I try not to be. I'll try harder.

My wish is for a mutual respect for each other's lives, our differences, and for an open dialogue even during the times when we all vehemently disagree. Our situations are all difficult and our lives have all changed - keep changing - as the years go by. 

I remember a time not too long ago when you would stop over after work to watch The Voice, and just hang. I miss that, and I hope someday in the future that can be a possibility again. What I don't want is for negative situations to affect what is said between us. The decisions made between you and my husband are yours, not mine. I think in the past where it has fallen apart is when one side feels scorned, and I am the one who is vented to, by both parties. At least that's how it used to be. Now I just feel like a stranger, and sometimes like a stranger in my own home. 

I love your son and I have always tried to do my best for him. I will always do my best for him, no matter what. 

I'm not warm and fuzzy, but here goes nothing. You have done a great job with your son. He is an amazing, caring person who is turning into an incredible young man. I see a lot of you in your son. You have been very accepting of me over the years and have told me time and again that I was doing a great job, or that you were happy I was in your son's life. Thank you. It really means the world to me to hear that.

Now, here's my plea: Don't give up on us. Don't give up on me. 

I am still learning, still growing and still figuring some things out. Thank you for always giving second chances, and thank you for being there for me all of the times I've needed it. 

-Stepmom

Call Me Lady Loner

Like the greats before me - Emily Dickinson and J.D. Salinger to name a few - I am a loner. This does not mean I'm plotting some sort of Miss Havisham-esque revenge or talking to a hundred cats all day long. It just means, well, I like to be alone.

My version of alone is more that I like to be left alone. After all, I love being with my family and having my parents a stone's throw away. But after first disengaging from the social scene I used to immerse myself in, to now disengaging from a work-social scene, I find that I rather enjoy the quiet my life has taken on, and I prefer it to stay that way. I do enjoy spending time with my family, but cultivating friendships? Eh. And the more I think about it, the more I realize I've always been this way. The only long-term friend I have is one I met in college, and there was an immediate friend connection that we both recognized and nurtured. We also understand each other's busy schedules, and are there for each other when needed, but not touching base every day. And that's ok. Other than that, when I look back, I realize other people have sort of adopted me or included me in their groups, where I never quite felt like I fit, and the fact that those people are no longer a part of my life is no big surprise.

And where I used to question my lack of belonging, I've now come to embrace it. I feel I have enough to interest me and many of the hobbies I enjoy are solitary adventures, which got me thinking. What is it that makes a loner like me ok with lonerdom? Here's my list of what made me realize that I am a loner, that being a loner is cool, and that being a loner does not mean you're going to end up wearing shades, a hoody and harvest a deep-seated desire to make bombs.

Personality Score
My four-letter type formula according to Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ test is INTJ, which for women, is pretty rare.  Basically, this is like being knighted as a loner in the psychological world. 

Rules, limitations and traditions are anathema to the INTJ personality type - everything should be open to questioning and reevaluation, and if they see a way, INTJs will often act unilaterally to enact their technically superior, sometimes insensitive, and almost always unorthodox methods and ideas.

To me, this means that while I may be an extrovert when needed (i.e. for my career), what I prefer is quiet, solitude, and room to do some serious pondering. It also means I can be blunt, which can come off as insensitive, and I don't care.

Work Doing Stuff at Home
My personality and affinity for being alone is why I'm an ideal candidate to work from home. Ever since I left my crappy corporate job, I have been active all day long. Since I left my job, every day, Monday through Friday, has been spent in my home office. I am networking, researching, writing and doing some piece work, not to be confused with "working," a term which would cause the UE division to dock my ridiculously teeny tiny UE earnings. (Seriously, you are not encouraged to be entrepreneurial at ALL. I was told if I even spent 15 minutes in one day "working" on being self-employed, even if I wasn't getting paid, such as working on a web site for myself, that is considered one day of work and I wouldn't get paid for that day. To that, I give the UE office a big, fat middle finger. See? There's that bluntness rearing its head. Oh well.)  So my days at home are not spent on the couch in sweatpants. In fact, I don't even own sweat pants, thank you. My days are spent, well, being active. Doing... stuff. At home. With my kids. Alone. Ish. 

I Don't Care
I don't care about celebrities. I don't care about TV shows and I couldn't name one reality star if you offered me a million dollars. I was completely lost to the references offered up in My Fair Lazy, and if I had a water cooler, which I don't, I'd probably be lost to the chatter around that as well. I don't engage in nor do I care about the melodrama people tend to create. I never have. I think that's why I've had so few female friends (sorry, but it's true - women tend to gossip more and stir the pot). I don't care who did what to who or why you're telling me behind whose back. Huh? Exactly. Don't care!

My Hubby
My husband always likes to point out that I don't like to share. It's true. I didn't want to go away to college and deal with roommates, and my post-college apartment situation with a roommate lasted about a month. I grew up with my own room and I spent a lot of time in it, because, if it isn't obvious by now then you really need to catch up - I didn't have a ton of friends or a booming social life. And, sometimes as a teenager that sucked, but most of the time I was quite content to dim the lights, light a few candles and listen to Tori Amos or Nine Inch Nails. 

But in my loner state, that doesn't necessarily equate to me not wanting to be around people. The fact that I have a husband should prove that. I just need to find the right ones. My husband has learned that I'm not needy, and that's ok. He can go down to his mancave in the garage and I can work on my writing. It's cool. 

My Children
If ever there are two perfect little faces that can make me feel like a well-adjusted loner, it's my two boys. I do sometimes get wrapped up in writing, reading, or simply cleaning the house, but thanks to my boys I take well-needed breaks to get down on the floor and play. Again, being on the loner bandwagon, for me, just means a lack of a big social circle and a huge group of friends. I would rather spend time at home, with my husband and my children, than be anywhere else. And if I do find myself with time to spare, I don't desire to spend it elsewhere. I have plenty here that keeps me busy and happy.

Social Media
For a self-described loner, social media can be problematic. Unless you utilize the privacy functions. Which I do. A lot. Sorry if you don't make the cut, but I just can't get on board with having so much whining in my newsfeed. Or catfights. Or a thousand pictures of inspirational sayings or crude pictures with even cruder sayings that are someone's (not mine) idea of funny. So my Facebook feed is heavily edited, I have less than a hundred friends, and I don't miss what I'm not missing.

Loner Does Not Mean Selfish
I think somewhere in history, a loner became synonymous with selfish. I'm far from that. Most of my day is spent revolving around other people, namely my husband and our sons. However, in my forever need to question and evaluate, I do take a closer look at certain friendships at times, asking, what is this truly built on, is it a positive interaction, and am I getting back what I give? Sometimes the answers are not positive ones, and I tend to retreat further into my own world, backing off any further social activity. I also feel that as I get older, I simply don't need to cater to everyone else, which is also not selfish, just self care. It just makes sense that as we age, we evolve, and sometimes a person who fit in your life a few years ago, today, no longer does. And that's ok. At least I think that's ok. But I'm a loner, so I would, wouldn't I?

Outside Looking In

As I sit here trying to collect myself after a sobbing fit, brought on when I had to answer the door to a gruff man asking for my husband (like he’s a common criminal) and hands me paperwork for family court. Lucky me, I get to be the recipient, and it’s not the first time. I am especially irritated when asked my name, age and height. I know he’s doing his job, but it took all my strength not to spit back at him, “Would you like my bra size and a DNA sample too?”

Happy effing holidays.

To be fair, this is not out of the blue, and it had to due with state regulations, blah blah blah and I'm sure it's nothing and will hopefully go away. I'm not blaming anyone for having to do the actual paperwork. I'm more upset at the way you're treated when these guys in cheap suits and shitty cars drop off this paperwork to your home. It's not fun.

As for the other stuff, well, I would like peace all year, and it’s something that I thought had been established. During the holidays, I would really like peace, compassion, and if a man is going to show up to my house in the middle of the day, he better be wearing a friggin Santa suit, spreading Christmas cheer, not interrogating me on the whereabouts of my husband.

I guess peace is a fragile thing. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Perhaps I haven’t tried at all to be friends, let alone friendly, although I feel I’ve made attempts.  Those attempts just happen to feel constantly thwarted and there always seems to be a lack of compassion, understanding, and generosity when it comes to what we are going through.  And when my husband is getting criticized, judged, and attacked, then yes, my urge to be friendly disappears real quick. But come on, what do you expect?

The bottom line is, how do you not feel like you’re completely on the outside when someone has purposely put you there? In a glass box so they can watch, and then judge, everything you do? Use it to build an argument or agenda that you had no idea was bubbling below the surface? It feels like war, and I’m into peace, man. Love and harmony.  Just because I don’t send flowers or a hundred text messages (with smiley faces) each day doesn’t mean anything, except maybe I’m too busy.  Because I can get over getting treated like dog shit, each and every time. I can, I have and I will. But, understandably, it gets harder to want to try, and much easier to ask to be left alone.

Venison (Deer Meat) Recipes

I've recently had some people asking for venison recipes after my husband snagged his first buck on opening day. (Yay! So proud...) I've also finally gotten used to calling it venison and not deer meat. Not sure why it matters, but to hunters, it seems to matter.

While I do scope out recipes online or in my myriad cookbooks, I don't always follow recipes, if that makes any sense. What I love about cooking, as opposed to baking, is the creative process. I make the recipes my own, I don't measure - I eyeball it, and I adjust the taste as needed.  I advise you to do the same.

Happy cooking!

VENISON CHILI

Venison is lean, so you may want to add ground turkey. I do half and half. I also don’t really measure, so these are estimations. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

2-3	Cloves garlic, minced
1	Onion, diced
2	Yellow or orange bell peppers, diced
1 ½ lbs	Ground venison
1 ½ lbs	Ground turkey
1	1 can (28 oz.) Crushed tomatoes
1	1 can (28 oz.) Petite Diced Tomatoes (Fire Roasted are great in chili)
1	1 small can of tomato paste
1	1 bottle of barbeque sauce (we use Bull’s Eye)
1-2 Tbsp.	Chili powder (I also use a few shakes of Emeril’s
1 tsp	Salt
¼ tsp	Black pepper/red pepper (to taste)

Directions:

In a large dutch oven or sauce pot, sauté garlic, onion and peppers in a couple of tablespoons of butter and olive oil until tender, medium-low heat. Season with some chili powder, salt, pepper (you will season the veggies, meat, and sauces, so use keep that in mind while you season) while they sauté. Once tender (10-15 minutes), add ground venison/turkey and brown  (10-15 minutes) about half way through, seasoning again.  Then add crushed tomatoes, diced tomatoes, tomato paste and barbeque sauce, season again and bring to boil. After it comes to a boil, let chili simmer. The longer, the better. I usually let it cook all afternoon, at least 4 hours.

VENISON STEW

1	Onion, cut in large chunks Potatoes, cut in chunks (I usually buy the small gourmet ones that come bagged in the grocery store and throw that in) ½ bag of baby carrots Butter (3-4 Tbsp) and Flour (2-3 spoonfuls)
2  lbs	Venison, cut in cubes (I put one package of cubed meat in there) 1 large container of beef broth
1 tsp	Salt
¼ tsp	Black pepper

Directions:

Venison can taste gamey to some people, so I like to marinate the meat in a mixture of beef broth, Worcestershire sauce and garlic powder for a day before I throw it in the stew. This is a great crockpot recipe – if you don’t have a crock pot, just make sure you use a good thick sauce pot, like a dutch oven, and keep the heat very low while this cooks all day.

I have a crockpot/fryer, so I heat up the butter, throw the meat in to brown a little and add the flour so the flour cooks through and the meat browns. Then I toss in everything else, cover it and let it all simmer for 4-6 hours.