Mom-ivation

I struggle with keeping upbeat around my kids at times.  I work Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. and at the end of the day all I want to do is change into my tank top and yoga pants, hit the couch and attempt to conquer the latest level in Candy Crush.

I do not want to make dinner, but I do.

I do not want to load the dishwasher every night, but I do.

I do not want to pick up clothes, start laundry, put the house back in order -- only to have it destroyed again as soon as my little ones wake.

But I do.

What keeps me motivated?  I would say ninety percent is just a deep down driven determination I possess to get things done.  The other ten percent is in the silly little motivational quotes and photos people pass around Facebook.  Ridiculous as it sounds, if I find a saying I connect with or read something inspirational, it keeps me going.

This all means, of course, that I make sure I find the time every day to log on to Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest in order to find these things I like or to get inspired.

The other thing I do is to try and take those frustrating parenting moments not as seriously.  Yes, when my two-month-old son projectile pooped on my shirt, some of it splashing up into my hair, I wanted to cry, scream and immediately shower.  But I was changing him on the floor of my office since I had stopped in with him before my return from maternity leave to touch base on a project and I couldn't do any of that.  So I finished changing his diaper, I rinsed the poop out of my hair and wiped it off my shirt best I could, and then I shared the story.  I got a ton of Facebook likes, laughs and giggles out of my projectile poop moment. After all, what else can you do?

So how do you keep up your motivation?  You can read other motivational tidbits here: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2DZAXu/voiceboks.com/how-do-you-get-your-mom-motivation/

That inspired me to blog today - I hope it inspires other parents out there to find some "you" time!

Raising Kids With or Without Religion

Mommybites, formerly babybites, recently tweeted an article about raising kids without religion. The article had some good advice, and it is a tricky line. I know, because I was raised without religion.  A lot has changed since I was a child, but as far as religion in our lives, or rather the lack, it seems some things haven't changed at all.

I have always recognized what a firestorm this topic can set off, as it did when CNN posted a an article "Why I Raise My Children Without God," from a Texas mom and blogger that detailed why she chose to raise her kids without.

Growing up, I quickly realized I was different, and if I hadn't, my religious peers were certainly quick to point it out.  I often heard that I was going to hell for many reasons: I didn't go to church, I didn't believe in God, etc.  All of these snide remarks and judgments simply furthered my belief that I was being raised the right way.  After all, I was tolerant of other's beliefs, why couldn't they be tolerant of mine?  While I may not have been an expert on religion, Christianity specifically, I knew Christ taught compassion and forgiveness. So, where was mine?

What I've realized later in life is that it's not the religion that's judgmental, it's the person.  The Texas mom who was so quick to disparage what believing in God teaches to kids in her blog has made the same mistake as those who criticized me throughout the years.  She is just as close-minded as David Parker was in fifth grade when he told me I was going to hell when I told him I didn't attend church.

I now also know plenty of Christians who are accepting of others, no matter what.  Do they secretly believe they have the right religion on their side? Probably, but as long as no one's beliefs are being criticized, chastised or judged, to me that's a harmless belief.

What I do find disconcerting in this society is how adamantly people will advocate for their religion, but the minute there is someone on the other side doing the same, the judgments come spewing out.  If you find it acceptable to bless people that you speak to or utter a "Praise God," now and then, why can't you offer someone else the freedom to utter their own beliefs, even if they are contrary to your own?

As a parent, I do believe it's important for children to grow up with a sense of community, something that I lacked in my upbringing but sought out later in life.  I enjoy listening to positive messages and inspirational stories and would love for my children to grow up believing in faith.  Faith in God, if they choose, but also faith in people.  I want my children to look around at a sea of strange faces, with the realization those strange faces may turn to you and offer kindness out of no where.  I want them to live in that world.  To me, if it happens to have a religious backdrop or take place in a church, so be it.  I am still as open minded as I have always been, I just happened to have shaped my own beliefs along the way, and yes, they include a God.  It just may not look the same as your God.

And to me, that's ok.

Transition

“There is a time for departure, even when there’s no certain place to go.” -- Tennessee Williams

As a self-imposed wordnazi, I am quick to realize when someone uses a word they shouldn't, but, in today's lassez-faire and apparently rule-free English grammar, anything goes.  However, some words just simply don't fit.

Take change versus transition.  Often used synonymously, but carrying far different meanings and weight.  Change is short-lived, usually a one-time occurence.  You change clothes, you change planes, and sure, occaisonally you even change your mind.

But change is an active, energetic word.  It's like flipping a switch.  The light was off, now it's on.  That's a change.  It happened, it's over.  A blue room is now painted red.  It's been changed.  That part is over, completed.  Transition is not the change -- it's living with the change after it's been made.

How many of us are actually prepared for the transition when we decide to make the change?  Perhaps that is why some people choose not to embrace change.  They fear the transition and letting go of the sameness of each day.  An understandable fear -- it's a departure from comfort, routine and everything we are used to.  But with change and successful transition, you can carve out a new routine, new creature comforts and fall in love with the after product just as much as the original.

Now that I have sought out change I am actively looking forward to the transition.  I know those around me who love me are worried, for all the reasons noted above, and for the fact that I am not only changing my life, but also the lives of those around me.  But I also firmly believe in letting something other than fear rule my life -- like passion, conviction and faith. I have a passion for life and living and I let that rule my psyche.  I will get what I want in life and I will do anything to make it happen.  I have faith in my surroundings, in my abilities and in the actions of those around me, and where faith brings me, I know I can take it the rest of the way.

We do have a certain place to go, and we could not be happier to make this transition. 

"On a long journey of human life, faith is the best of companions; it is the best refreshment on the journey; and it is the greatest property."  -- Buddha

Temporary Girl

Have you ever said something in anger only to instantly wish you could grab those words midair and stuff them back in?  We all have.

And, once the anger is gone and tempers have cooled, it's easy to apologize and move on, and hopefully forget what you said, forget what you heard.

Not so easy when those angry words...are in print.

In a moment of passive-aggressive-woman-be-scorned-self-indulgence I created a written outlet for all the ways I felt wronged as a step mom, and I did it in the form of a blog.  Did it feel good to get my point across without getting interrupted, cut off, or dragged off track in my very one-sided conversation? I can't lie, of course it did.  And, in many ways, it helped just to have that outlet to vent.

However, venting wasn't the only word-weapon I armed myself with.  I also chose to launch snide, malicious, judgmental characterizations and other assaults with the written word.  Words that I have now deleted, but that have not been erased.

I haphazardly kept diaries and journals growing up, and when I've stumbled upon them later in life, I've often cringed at my own written word.  I sounded sad, needy, dumb, juvenile.  I would be embarrassed if someone else read those words, because today, those words seem so far away.  Those words do nothing to define who I am because they were temporary.  A transitional thought. 

And normally, those growing pains are all part of the course.  You can read those words, laugh at yourself, and put them aside.  In no way does that compare to the embarrassment of tossing words onto a page and having them recited back, when, once again, you no longer identify with their creator.  For me, those words were a means to getting over something.  Except this time my words weren't rotting away on a diary page in a plastic tub full of things from my past.  To someone else, the impression was far greater, and much longer lasting.

All I can say now, in sincere honesty, is that who ever was hurt or affected by those words I am incredibly sorry for that.  I am embarrassed.  That was not me.

Or, it was a temporary me, much like the 17-year-old girl that thought no one would ever love her. 

Affirmative Action

Just a quick thought for today.  I think, speak, and preach a lot about the power of positive thinking and visualization.  I do believe some people are turned off by these sentiments because they sound too new age, too hippy-dippy.

Today it occurred to me, it's really the power of affirmative thought that brings the action -- it doesn't necessarily have to be positive.  Case in point - yesterday I had a gut instinct that what at first seemed like a dream come true was really a nightmare in hiding.  My friend even told me he could "hear the anxiety in my voice" as we chatted over this dilemma on the phone.  Finally, near the end of the conversation, I told him I wished that the opportunity would just get taken away from me so I wouldn't have to say yes or no, and, lo and behold, that's exactly what happened.

It was a good lesson in affirmative action -- being positive doesn't mean you are walking through life every day humming Kum By Ya with a perma-smile on your face, it means you are making assured decisions, you are sure about your course of thought, and you are positive that is the direction you want to take.

Or in this case, not to take.

The Counting Years

As a child, I was always impatient.  My brother, three years my senior, always seemed to have just a slight edge over me -- a few more privileges than I had, and I wanted the same.   I couldn't wait to turn seven if it meant my bedtime was extended by a half hour.  Each year seemed to mark some right of passage, until I entered my teen years and literally felt I would burst at the seams -- timed seemed to tick on so slowly, and I couldn't wait to drive, then drive after nine, turn eighteen, turn twenty-one and so on.  I couldn't wait to get out of high school and into college.  Then I couldn't wait to get out of college and work only one, really great paying job, instead of three crappy ones.

Once I hit and surpassed all of these sought-after milestone years, I found myself looking around, as a single woman in my twenties, asking, what's next?  The milestones were now mile markers, strewn throughout my past, and fading in the distance as I looked back on what had brought me where I was today.  What was there left to count down to?

It was then I coined the phrase "the counting years," those tumultuous years filled with growing pains and life lessons that we were all so anxious to conquer.  But, once we have emerged the victor, what's left?

Now times speeds by much too quickly.  My children have aged at warp speed it seems, and now I wish I could find an anchor to slow down this speeding ship we're on.  Why does time move so slowly when we are young, and so quickly as we age?  I dread my looming birthday and each one after that, fearing the new milestones -- turning forty, then fifty, then, if it's still around, collecting social security.

Why does time fly?  According to some scientists, it all has to do with perception:

The experience of time is not linear. Fear and joy stretch time as do stimuli that move towards us. When we experience something as “taking a long time” it is really the result of three inter-twined processes: the actual duration of the event, how we feel about the event, and whether we think the event is approaching us. 

So basically, if we are waiting for an event to happen three months from now, those three months seem to come upon us much quicker than we are prepared.  However, looking back on an event that took place three months in the past, we can hardly remember it because it seemed so long ago...

In fact, some investigators have suggested that the amount of energy spent during thinking and experiencing defines the subjective experience of duration.  In other words, the more energy it takes to process a stimulus the longer it appears as a subjective experience of time.  Something moving toward you has more relevance than the same stimulus moving away from you:  You may need to prepare somehow; time seems to move more slowly.

We can never fully prepare for the events that will occur in our lifetime, but, can we slow down the impending passage of time if we change our perceptions of the events in our future?  Can we create a new set of Counting Years?

Momentum

Moving forward. Getting past this.  Putting time, space and distance between ourselves and whatever bad thing it is that we need to get away from.

But what happens if you are constantly moving forward, putting something behind you, creating a huge time gap between you and the big bad, but nothing changes?  Moving forward is easy.  Forgiveness is easy.  It's what comes after that -- or rather, through that -- experience that will determine what happens next.  It's because you can't really move forward without momentum.

According to wikipedia,"in classical mechanics, linear momentum or translational momentum... is the product of the mass and velocity of an object. For example, a heavy truck moving fast has a large momentum—it takes a large and prolonged force to get the truck up to this speed, and it takes a large and prolonged force to bring it to a stop afterwards. If the truck were lighter, or moving slower, then it would have less momentum.  Like velocity, linear momentum is a vector quantity, possessing a direction as well as a magnitude."

When you take this concept of moving forward down to its core, you have to factor in momentum.  If you are in the throws of a contentious battle with someone in your life and both sides are hurling grenades and ratcheting up the tension and conflict with every interaction and the wheels keep spinning faster and faster until everything seems to just spin and sputter out of control, then you may be at a point where you can't fight anymore.  You want the tension to end.  You want the conflict to go away.  But moving forward can't happen until you factor in the second part of the equation above -- slowing down.

That fight you've been engaged in with that other person is no different than the 26-ton truck that took a lot of prolonged force to get up to the speed of 65 mph.  Your battle didn't poof out of thin air -- it took a lot of concentrated negative energy to get to that point, and it isn't going to go away until you purposefully take a lot of concentrated positive energy to bring it to a stop.

Clean slates are great in theory, but what does that really mean?  Sweeping hurt feelings, judgments, blame or perceived slights under the proverbial rug may accomplish a truce in the short term, but it is destined to fail.  Why?  Because people ultimately do not change.  The only thing you can change is your reaction.  So, the only way to slow down that speeding truck is to stop and look inward.  How can I change my reaction to what is happening?  How do I make this situation better?  How do I build that momentum?

Own It
First, we need to take responsibility for what has happened.  That tends to be the hardest pill to swallow for most people, because it's so easy to justify our actions by blaming the other person.  If the other person hadn't done this or said that then you wouldn't have reacted the way you did, right?  No.  You are the only person in control of what you do or say.  You may have felt slighted, but that doesn't mean you needed to react by biting back.

Trust It
You cannot have trust without acceptance -- if you cannot accept the other person for who they are, then you will never trust what they do.  And without trust, without the blind faith that pressing the brakes will in fact stop that 26-ton runaway engine, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

Don't Regret It - Learn From It
Speaking of mistakes, we have all made them.  We cannot erase them.  We can apologize, we can try to fix our mistakes, we can try to make it right, but we cannot go back in time and take back those words we never should have said.  Don't dwell on it.  Accept those things you cannot change and simply do better next time.  Ask yourself why you let yourself go there in the first place, and realize what you need to do to make it so there isn't a next time.

Want It
It's easy to say you want a negative situation to go away.  It's easy to be nice to someone in order to get what you want in the short term, even if there is no sincerity behind that niceness.  But if you really want change, then you will go out of your way to make it happen.  You will be able, finally, to look inside yourself and ask those tough questions, accept blame, offer forgiveness, have an uncomfortable conversation, and ultimately accept and trust the other person.

Embrace It
In the best of circumstances, the situation will become resolved -- an open and honest relationship will be established.  This is when the real work begins.  However, in some cases, you may never get that resolve.  The other person may never forgive you.  They may not want things to change.  Disengage from the negativity the best you can and still offer that trust, that desire to better the situation -- stay in your integrity.  Remember that you cannot change the other person -- embrace that philosophy.

Embrace the idea of faith -- have faith in your ability to stay true to yourself and follow the path of trust and acceptance.  Can it be exhausting?  Yes, but remember that 26-ton train of negative momentum that propelled you into that nasty situation to begin with?  Well, what do you think a 26-ton train of positive momentum will do?  I can guarantee you the results will be much different.