But what happens if you are constantly moving forward, putting something behind you, creating a huge time gap between you and the big bad, but nothing changes? Moving forward is easy. Forgiveness is easy. It's what comes after that -- or rather, through that -- experience that will determine what happens next. It's because you can't really move forward without momentum.
According to wikipedia,"in classical mechanics, linear momentum or translational momentum... is the product of the mass and velocity of an object. For example, a heavy truck moving fast has a large momentum—it takes a large and prolonged force to get the truck up to this speed, and it takes a large and prolonged force to bring it to a stop afterwards. If the truck were lighter, or moving slower, then it would have less momentum. Like velocity, linear momentum is a vector quantity, possessing a direction as well as a magnitude."
When you take this concept of moving forward down to its core, you have to factor in momentum. If you are in the throws of a contentious battle with someone in your life and both sides are hurling grenades and ratcheting up the tension and conflict with every interaction and the wheels keep spinning faster and faster until everything seems to just spin and sputter out of control, then you may be at a point where you can't fight anymore. You want the tension to end. You want the conflict to go away. But moving forward can't happen until you factor in the second part of the equation above -- slowing down.
That fight you've been engaged in with that other person is no different than the 26-ton truck that took a lot of prolonged force to get up to the speed of 65 mph. Your battle didn't poof out of thin air -- it took a lot of concentrated negative energy to get to that point, and it isn't going to go away until you purposefully take a lot of concentrated positive energy to bring it to a stop.
Clean slates are great in theory, but what does that really mean? Sweeping hurt feelings, judgments, blame or perceived slights under the proverbial rug may accomplish a truce in the short term, but it is destined to fail. Why? Because people ultimately do not change. The only thing you can change is your reaction. So, the only way to slow down that speeding truck is to stop and look inward. How can I change my reaction to what is happening? How do I make this situation better? How do I build that momentum?
Own It
First, we need to take responsibility for what has happened. That tends to be the hardest pill to swallow for most people, because it's so easy to justify our actions by blaming the other person. If the other person hadn't done this or said that then you wouldn't have reacted the way you did, right? No. You are the only person in control of what you do or say. You may have felt slighted, but that doesn't mean you needed to react by biting back.
Trust It
You cannot have trust without acceptance -- if you cannot accept the other person for who they are, then you will never trust what they do. And without trust, without the blind faith that pressing the brakes will in fact stop that 26-ton runaway engine, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.
Don't Regret It - Learn From It
Speaking of mistakes, we have all made them. We cannot erase them. We can apologize, we can try to fix our mistakes, we can try to make it right, but we cannot go back in time and take back those words we never should have said. Don't dwell on it. Accept those things you cannot change and simply do better next time. Ask yourself why you let yourself go there in the first place, and realize what you need to do to make it so there isn't a next time.
Want It
It's easy to say you want a negative situation to go away. It's easy to be nice to someone in order to get what you want in the short term, even if there is no sincerity behind that niceness. But if you really want change, then you will go out of your way to make it happen. You will be able, finally, to look inside yourself and ask those tough questions, accept blame, offer forgiveness, have an uncomfortable conversation, and ultimately accept and trust the other person.
Embrace It
In the best of circumstances, the situation will become resolved -- an open and honest relationship will be established. This is when the real work begins. However, in some cases, you may never get that resolve. The other person may never forgive you. They may not want things to change. Disengage from the negativity the best you can and still offer that trust, that desire to better the situation -- stay in your integrity. Remember that you cannot change the other person -- embrace that philosophy.
Embrace the idea of faith -- have faith in your ability to stay true to yourself and follow the path of trust and acceptance. Can it be exhausting? Yes, but remember that 26-ton train of negative momentum that propelled you into that nasty situation to begin with? Well, what do you think a 26-ton train of positive momentum will do? I can guarantee you the results will be much different.
No comments:
Post a Comment