Perfect Parents

My husband and I are constantly reminding each other that we need to yell less, so when I came across an article on Twitter about becoming a less-yelling family, I had high hopes.  But when the first step began with everyone signing on to this non-yelling practice, I quickly realized we were in the toddler loophole, meaning, this non-yelling concept probably doesn't apply to us.  So here's my step-by-step rebuttal - and keep in mind we're dealing with boys aged two and three.

Step One - The Calmer Family Challenge
My challenge every day is making sure my boys aren't sneaking candy for breakfast or setting anything on fire.  They also have a tendency to run everywhere they go, so there's a lot of BOOM sounds followed by crying or whimpering, so getting through the morning without a severe eye-twitch is also a challenge.  I figure if a little yelling stops them mid-stride and saves them from careening into a cupboard door head first, I've won that round.

Step Two - Stress Warning Signs
If you think I have time to stop and analyze the warning signs of a toddler pre-temper tantrum, then you haven't met them.  They go from zero to bat-shit crazy in under a nanosecond.  Seriously, they could set records for tantrum speed.  And I get the whole argument that kids take cues from us but you don't see me repeatedly slamming my head onto the floor when I've been told no by someone - I mean these tantrums materialize out of nowhere sometimes. I need to yell just to be heard.

Step Three - Identify Temper Triggers
The word 'no.'

Step Four - Anger Management Skills
Basically this consists of me putting a pillow under my two-year old's head when he starts slamming it repeatedly into the ground because of what happened in Step Three.

Step Five - Refuse to Engage a Screamer
Yes, exactly.  Refuse to engage the screamer.  So it's ok that when they've gone all bat-shit crazy, head slamming and all, I go in my bedroom to hide?  With the door locked?  And a tumbler of scotch?

Step Six - Reduce Stress as a Family
Since my two-year-old can barely walk without tripping, I think I'll skip the family yoga session.  We do have a very set night time routine, but when your three-year old thinks candy canes are a great dinner choice things can get ugly fast.

Step Seven - Stick to Your Calmer Family Challenge for 21 Days
Look, I've tried counting to ten, to a hundred. Hell I've counted to a thousand and he's still screaming and thrashing with the best of them, so then I resort to yelling, and you know what? Sometimes the screaming stops.  Ok, most of the time it makes it worse, but once in a while it snaps them out of it.

And it's not like we yell all the time out of anger or the act of discipline.  In a small house with boys who are so close in age and still so young, yelling becomes a matter of survival.  How else is anyone going to hear me over Mickey Mouse and his pals mixed with the sounds of several incredibly loud toys (gifts from relatives who obviously hate us) and two boys who also think they need to yell to be heard?

I don't need anger-management techniques, I need a friggin megaphone.